Tuesday, March 25, 2014


So, it looks like this Internet thing is really catching on—amazing! Zing-zow-dippity-bang!

I'd like to take a few minutes of your obviously very valuable time, and annihilate them. How can this be accomplished? The answer is simple, fat-free, artisanal, and even more annoying than you might imagine: UGD. Sorry...I meant to write User's Guide Digest, but a Yahoo! trend-drone smashed through a window and forced me to watch a hyper-blip video of some ironic bearded hipster trying on moccasins.

What was I saying? Oh yeah—of course. User's Guide Digest: for those busy, over-caffeinated days when you just wanna say, "Ya know, I'd really like to get this friggin' Personal Coffee Bean-Roaster assembled before the world ends again like it did in 2012." Ah, who hasn't been there?

There are, however, problems.

The User's Guide is written in a language apparently combining elements of poorly dubbed Japanese science-fiction films from 1964, scripts from industrial training films, the William S. Burroughs "cut-up" technique, and possibly trigger-switching diagrams culled from  Russian Cold War archives—but I wouldn't know anything about that.

You down another quintuple espresso and crack open your guide, its green-friendly soy ink staining your shaky fingers. "What the Sam Scratch is this shit?" you exclaim in perfect vacuum, noticing the helpful schematic shares aspects of early Bauhaus and a prison tattoo. The easy part is over, and you make the bad call of questioning the purchase of a home coffee bean-roaster that requires assembly.

Just hold on Mister, or Missy, or insulting label of your choice: Caffeine is King. You grind your teeth, and begin reading:

Hello and we prefer happy you find 4077 Home Personal Coffee Bean-Roaster welcome friendly appliance indoors, only. If not recommended, do not inhale fumes from liquids may have fire hazard unhappy location. The urge you to always follow along ignoring all safety yourself, and no hope injuring of others, inside.
  1. Open closed product container, not sharp cutting tool injure self product 4077.
  2. Remove 4077 of contents not inhale of plastic packaging to suffocate, or others. Discard others of plastic to injure not animals and children in trash can.
  3. Place 4077 product on all flat surfaces, indoors. Give away choking hazard to pets and avoid.
Following these guidelines simple assembly take happy indoors, only, the 1 hour to avoid unplugging of all electrocution.

Tears are close, I know, but you slog on regardless.

You will not be defeated by inferior translation on a Friday, dammit, and that Robinson 401-k portfolio due at work can wait.

Sorry to leave you hanging. I accidentally washed dishes, hung a little drywall, wrote a new chapter for my forthcoming  Cleveland Killjoy Oven Mitt Mangler series, and prepared a batch of habanero chile oil to spill later. But I'm sure you've done the same.

Oh wait—I don't have time to finish this. My TrendSetter App is beeping like a bastard—it's time for another episode of Kurt Steel's Paranormal Road Trips Rockin' Microbrewery Hour.