Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Why I Cry Every Day...

1. When opening a jar of hot pepper rings involves vise-grips, hot water, and using my rubber mouse pad for superhuman grip, what am I going to do when I'm 70?

2. Is there any 6-year-old on Earth who can't ace Metallica's "Master of Puppets" on Guitar Hero?

3. Because your disturbing big-headed cat, Mister Fluffy Frog, has 712 friends on his Facebook page.

4. The foul-mouthed city workers who empty my garbage cans apparently think people who live 10 blocks away need my lids.

5. The ass-goblin who walks his dog at 5 AM and lets it shit on the street in front of my house results in me being summoned to small-claims court because a cigaretty old lady I've never met noticed my ball-cap is blue--just like his.

6. Local news team nobody gives a rat's ass about interrupts Person of Interest every 7 minutes with: "Severe weather coming our way? We'll let you know on News at Eleven."

7. When my failure to correctly enter nd8rhj3-jgfn-ngr4n after 54 attempts vaporizes a favorable website comment I spent 30 minutes writing--with research.

8. That guy and his shitting dog are back! Where are my shoes?

9. Too exhausted to toss out the spider in my water glass. Woke up after a nap and drank it.

10. The well-intentioned but ill-educated Walmart associate in Electronics directs me to Grocery where I might find The Milagro Beanfield War.

11. They're out of hot pepper rings.