Here's a rejection-letter gag I wrote for Writer's Digest magazine's "Reject A Hit" column. Share with friends, family, potential employers, or that serial killery-looking guy on your sidewalk sniffing his fingers. It's fun!
FAIRHAVEN PRESS
27 October 1974
Dear Mr. King:
Thank you, I suppose, for
letting us look at your manuscript, ‘Salem’s Lot. If
anything, it put me off red meat and heavy tomato-based sauces. I
dropped the 10 pounds I’d gained after retrieving my appetite in
the wake of your previous submission. I wonder whether you’ve ever
considered the health-book market. Your work, combined with Primal
Scream therapy, may very well prove beneficial.
Additionally, does the world really need another supernatural-horror novel? Aren’t Rosemary’s Baby and The Exorcist enough? Too, I can’t see anyone finding interest in vampires. Look what they did to Bram Stoker’s career. Your manuscript, if published, would not do much for Maine tourism—I’ll wager that never snuck up and tapped your shoulder.
Additionally, does the world really need another supernatural-horror novel? Aren’t Rosemary’s Baby and The Exorcist enough? Too, I can’t see anyone finding interest in vampires. Look what they did to Bram Stoker’s career. Your manuscript, if published, would not do much for Maine tourism—I’ll wager that never snuck up and tapped your shoulder.
Vampires concealing
themselves under trailer homes? Vampire housewives? Blood-sucking
children? Must everyone in your book be a victim? I ask you, Mr.
King, what’s next? A haunted house? Why stop there? Indeed, a
man of your ambition ought to build us a haunted hotel. In fact, I
might favor that one. I will say that I found
your MS frightening and original. Unfortunately, the original
material wasn’t frightening and the frightening material wasn’t
original. God, I’m feeling bitter. Must be some sort of iron
deficiency.
In closing, forgive me,
sir, but vampires shmampires—I’m off to lunch.
Sincerely,
Thaddeus Q. Mire
Fairhaven Press
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